the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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