Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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