We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
