my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
