Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
