I'm laying in your front yard are you home
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
