dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
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