so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Welp...herpes.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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