farters have to be the big spoon...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
