my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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