it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
