I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
