i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
