i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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