My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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