Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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