I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
