I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he quoted the bible to break up with me
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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