I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
