I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
