i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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