K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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