dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
