i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
this just has baby written all over it
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
