jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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