I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
