at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
