How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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