my phone needs a breathalizer
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
