My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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