Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.