So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die