You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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