I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
