he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
