my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
