Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
