I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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