so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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