I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
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If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
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why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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