When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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