considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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