She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
