Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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