the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Still dying that you shit outside
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Randomize
