Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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