Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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