i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
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Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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