Just cropdusted the office
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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