I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
