Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
