what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
