you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
