You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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